Yesterday was another very challenging day. I am thankful that today was better.

We hit a point yesterday where we realized that we needed to come up with a clear strategy in how to deal with Aed’s sleeping habits. For most of Aed’s life I have been spending the majority of my days (and Ian too, when he’s home) trying to find ways to soothe my baby to sleep. Sometimes this takes hours at a time and he screams no matter what you do with him. Then when he wakes up, he is only happy for a very short time before he gets tired and fussy again. I have played all the mental games you can imagine and tried every strategy I can think of to help him get to sleep more peacefully to no avail. The only thing that is consistent is if we find something that works it only works twice max before we’re back to square one. It is incredibly discouraging and incredibly tiring to do this all day long for a baby who is napping (or attempting to do so) four times a day (plus bedtime!), not to mention the strain this has put on our social lives (and marriage) as it is hard to go anywhere or have anyone over when Aed is demanding our attention almost constantly.

Yes, he has been overcoming jet lag this week, but we believed that we were past that and he was just continuing to exhibit many of the difficult tendencies he’s been exhibiting for most of his short life with regard to sleeping. So we decided to consult a sleep book that we have to see what it says about how to deal with temperamental 4 month olds.

We are both so glad we did.

We found that the section on 3-4 month olds described what Aed is doing to a ‘T’ and decided to try to consistently implement some of the suggestions on how to deal with such behaviors.

My wonderful and supportive hubby stayed home with me all day today (although he was still working diligently!) to offer reassurance when the inevitable discouragement came along. I am happy to report that Aed went down for one of his naps today with no crying and he went down for bed tonight with no crying! We are hopeful (though we have certainly learned NOT to count our chickens before they hatch with this little fellow) that if we stick with it, our persistence in this area will pay off and we will end up with a baby that can sleep more easily and is much happier when he is awake!

So, today I am thankful for our sleep book. I am also thankful for my hubby because I pretty much have a break down every day when he’s not here and Aed is really struggling. I know it is harder for him to work from home, but I am thankful that he is willing to make such sacrifices for the sake of his family. I am also thankful for our son (I know.. I don’t really mix things up much on these thankfulness posts, but hey, at least I added the sleep book today!). Though he has brought many new areas of difficulty into our lives, they are all seasoned with his smiling face and snuggly body, his exploring personality and his zeal for intensity :). He is one of a kind, and we love him for it.

I know you're all probably dying for some Aed and some stories from our time in the States..

I know.

Sorry, but not today!

It has been another day that makes me want to sleep until Kingdom come.

I really do think I'll have time to get on our camera and edit some pictures for you tomorrow, but for today, it's just another 'this is why i'm thankful' post.

Today I am thankful for the Holy Spirit. I am thankful that He doesn't give up on us, but keeps prodding even when we are ignoring and oblivious.

Ian and I have let our demanding baby take a lot of time away from our spiritual lives. We were already at a fairly difficult point spiritually before Aed was born because of our respective demanding schedules, and after we were given a very high maintenance baby and no idea what to do with him, it just got worse.

I cannot tell you how easy it is to let my head hit the pillow without giving a second thought to God's Word. I'm too tired. I'll try again tomorrow. And to let my prayer life be consumed with, 'Why is this so difficult?' 'Why is every victory followed by three defeats?' 'Why, why why?'

That, my friends, is a recipe for self-destruction. It's the overshadowing storm cloud that prompted me to start striving to be thankful each day in the first place.

Today I hit a low. We had a long morning with a fussy baby, I have a big deadline on top of me that has already been delayed too many times, Ian is trying to get back into a routine with work, and we had several things we needed to get in town, including some that we were hopeful would help Aed (the kid hadn't pooped in like a week.. seriously, who wouldn't be fussy after that?). I offered to run the errands while Aed slept so Ian could work for a while. Ian thought it would be good for me to get out of the house anyway.

So, I head off and accomplish one thing. Check. Move on to the next. Road block, can't get this one done (this one being the most important one that we thought would help our fussy baby). Frustration and discouragement begin to set in more deeply. Suddenly the long morning seems to have been so much longer and so much more difficult. Move on to the next, there are still things to be done. Road block. I am an idiot. I left the house to run errands with no way to pay for anything. Commence the inner break down.

I calmly return all my items to their cosy places on the shelves, cursing myself on the inside for being so dumb. I begin the treck back home, empty-handed and lamenting what a crappy day this is, and why my life sucks, and how I'm such a failure that I can't even remember a basic thing like a debit card and blah blah blah.

Ian greets me in a manner far too chipper for my doldrums, so I give him my breakdown in the form of tears and hugs. It helps a little but there is still frustration, so we sit together to work it out.

Here's where the Holy Spirit made his move. He prompted me to say the right things, and prompted Ian to hear the right things. And we found that the Holy Spirit can refresh even the most dry of wastelands when given the opportunity. We wholly surrendered our hearts to the Lord together for just a few minutes and committed to forsake our laziness and distraction in order to run this race the way we were meant to.

We are weak and we will keep failing, but we are praying that the Lord will use this day to bring us nearer to him than ever.

The day didn't get much better, a lot of other discouraging things happened. But, they all happened in light of something to be thankful for.

And for that I am thankful.

Postscript. I have considered several times apologizing for being such a downer so often on this bloggy blog as of late. I'm sure you'd rather read about adventures and fun instead of our struggles and turmoil. I'm sure you'd rather see lovely pictures than to keep seeing, you know, words. But, I decided that I can't be sorry. This blog is one of the easiest places for me to process my life, and that is what I am living. Our honeymoon with Scotland is long over. This is home. It is an adventure and beautiful and fun, but it is also groceries and dishes, highs and lows, good days and bad days. I have found great encouragement from being able to put my thoughts out into space and occassionally get responses from people I love. It is not easy to know so many read such personal things, but I'm not sorry you do. The end.

maybe if you come back tomorrow, there will be pictures :)

I am sitting on the couch trying to get some work done.

I had hoped to post pictures, but to no avail.

I had hoped to finish my responsibilities for tomorrow before tomorrow, but to no avail.

I am the mother of a confused child.

For some reason his jet lag is really going strong this evening and he has been awake for the last two hours wailing, screaming, babbling, squealing, and squirming, probably wondering why his parents are so confused and want him to be asleep when he knows he should be awake.

We are taking turns working our magic to no avail.

He is still not asleep.

And as I was sitting here trying to keep working, listening for the cue that it's my turn to go back upstairs so Ian can come down, I couldn't help but be thankful.

I honestly didn't want to mess with this post tonight. I thought I could claim forgetfulness and let it slip. I wasn't thankful for much of anything and was really letting the last two hours taint all the good things that happened today.

And then suddenly, I realized how much I love my son.

How thankful I am that even when he is fussy (whether I know the reason or not), I have the opportunity to stare at his little face, to wonder what is going on in his little mind. I have the opportunity to feel his soft head on my cheek. To feel the weight of his little body in my arms. To feel him nuzzle his face into my chest as he begins to drift off.

I have these privileges. I can hold his hands, rub his feet, kiss his nose, smell his baby scent, and hear all the noises he can make.

I am his mama.

Sometimes I am consumed with the weight of it all. The responsibility of trying to raise a person. Knowing that life is going to punch him in the gut more than once. Knowing that if the Lord allows it, I will grow old, and he will grow up, and he won't need me so much any more.

But even then, I'll still be his mama.

Four months in and I can't read the book "Love You Forever" without crying.

He is still crying. I need to go rescue my sweet husband. I love my baby and God is gracious.

And I am thankful.

Well there has been a hiatus!

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year’s and got to spend time with just the right people as life took a break for the norm for a few days (or weeks or months depending on your life!).

We went back to the States on the 14th of December and just got back last night. It was such a blessing for both of us to have some time to step back from life as normal and take a break with family and friends. I am being reminded that my husband knows me well today.. He has been working to get the house back to normal and making dinner and doing all kinds of little things to make the transition back to Scotland easier.. I had forgotten that this is always a hard transition for me to make, but he didn’t forget. I am thankful for him.

I am also thankful for our sweet little babe, who did really well yesterday despite almost 24 hours of travel and disruption (I am also thankful for a long day of travel that went off with only minor glitches but lots of safety and good attitudes!). He had a bit of a breakdown on the third flight yesterday and then in the car on the way home, but they were both short lived. We are certainly looking forward to getting our little guy back to normal and out of the jet lag stage.

Aed had lots of ‘firsts’ while we were in the States that we can’t wait to tell you about, so stay tuned!


(It’s amazing how time changes a person.. Ian and I were both just commenting on how much Aed has changed since this picture was taken just a few days after we arrived in the States!)