Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The Ideal

I have been struggling. I am so far behind on this blog and it drives me crazy. I hate the thought of things being out of order, or missing out altogether on things that were special to us. Because I don't have time to sit down and resize photos and write about all of our adventures, I just keep doing nothing. And yet life goes on. And I miss out on opportunities to reflect on and think about what happened today. And I don't like that either. Because my kids are cute. And my life is changing. And my husband is excelling. And I want to mark all of that in this little diary, too.

Today it occurred to me that this is like a tiny version of being paralyzed because of the false hope of achieving perfection while life just passes by. I'm not sure I'll do it just right, so I do nothing. I don't want to fail, so I wait. Until the perfect moment, just the right day, just the right mindset. Trouble is, that kind of 'just right' doesn't really happen very often. So here I am. Everything is about to change.

We are expecting another baby, we are about to drive across the country, Ian is starting a new job, and we are all starting over again. We are tired and excited and sad and a little bit nervous. We have quickly learned that leaving is a lot harder when your kids are saying goodbye, too. I am stunned at the community we have found here in such a short time. They are leaving big and little people that have been consistent, that have been sweet, that have been treasured and talked about. And they know it. I am used to that feeling of loss. I know what it means, what it feels like, to move on again and lose what was gained. You remain touched and changed, but relationships cannot carry on in the same way without physical presence. It is a loss. It is new for them. And it is hard.

But, tomorrow has enough trouble of it's own. We will focus on today. It feels like there are a million things waiting to happen, fighting for attention. My mind is struggling to keep up. It will all happen. We will move on. We will lose. We will gain. We will live as fully as we can in each day, knowing that whatever may come tomorrow or two years from now will come just as it should. We will say we're sorry when the stress gets the better of us, and we will breathe thanks in moments of peace. We will lean on Jesus and know that he is good. In all things, he is good. We will pray for spirits unwavering.

And we will bid farewell to this crazy place that has brought us so much that was unexpected. We will remember the way the Lord has provided and we will trust that he will do it again.