Today.

(Disclaimer: The photos in this post are recent, but completely unrelated to the text and were not taken today. They are just for funsies.)

It was one of those days. The kind where before you even open your eyes in the morning you are longing for bedtime. The kind that rolls you around and spits you out on the other side of exhaustion. A typical day full of everything and nothing, clouded by a haze of bleary.

We stayed up late getting papers ready for tax-doing. In the end most of it didn’t matter anyway. Isn’t that just the way it goes?

Ari slept enough last night that I found myself checking on him to make sure he was still breathing on more than one occasion. Forfeiting my benefit from his sleep, I was able to groggily retrieve him from his crib this morning knowing he would live to see another day. The worry always seems so silly when the sun is shining on it. 

I'm pretty sure the bigger two joined me in bed at some point before I dragged myself out of it. Oh yes, they sat on the end of the bed ‘reading’ books to each other. This is a new development and I adore it. I can’t even try to hide my smile when I catch them sitting together somewhere with their books.

I looked at my children closely so many times today. Straight into their eyes, longing for them to know how deeply I love them. I stare into their growing-up faces and am amazed at how the changes catch me off guard. Every day I look at them, love them, kiss them, and still it catches me off guard.

I visited the dentist this morning to happily discover that I will make my goal of no cavities before I turn 30. (Let’s see if we can make it to 31!) I promised the dentist I wouldn’t brag to Ian about it. Then I came home and told him, so maybe I failed?

My visit to the dentist was entirely without children. By myself. No one else. To the dentist, but still, the lack of weight in my arms and effort in my being from hauling my precious cargo around was noted and appreciated.

I told my husband how tired I was about 28 times before 11am. He still loves me. He’s a keeper.

My heart hurt a little when one of my children made a mistake. A small one in the scheme of things, but I long so much to understand why he does what he does. I thought about it until I got distracted.

I watched my babiest of babies throw smiles my way willy-nilly any time he caught my eye. He has a major crush on his mama and it is adorable. If eating him would really quench this need I have to love on him, I might just do it. 

I pushed through the motions of making lunch, sat and listened to my little clowns in their goofy banter, requested that one return to his chair to eat his blueberries, gave a thought to my thankfulness for those very berries, put a baby to bed, then put a little boy to bed. The bigger boy got to watch a little extra today in hopes that I might get to pass my burdens on to the open arms of my own bed. The baby needed a cuddle. The phone buzzed. There was a little sleep, but as I have learned, rest is almost as good as sleep.

Am I the only one that craves chocolate with great intensity when I am tired? Sometimes I really do think it might be worth it to learn to like coffee. Then I remember how it makes me cringe and remain steadfast that it will never be worth it. I ate one too many chocolate chips via the too many items in our pantry containing chocolate chips at the moment. I considered doing some situps. Tomorrow I will do them. Today doesn’t need situps, it needs a loving teaspoon of Just Enough.

I read to my big boy and didn’t fall asleep. Victory. Our baby joined us part way through.

Every time I saw my husband I thanked. He is a steady undercurrent in each day and we all have a crush on him. He is well adored. (Unless, of course, he is casting a stern gaze on our eldest. Then he is avoided rather than adored. One of the perils of being a four-year-old still learning the ropes.)

I reveled in the chaos of our three boys and their noise. I wondered at them and loved their antics. I reminded Ian how tired I was. I felt the 28 previous mentions just didn’t suffice. I enjoyed listening to him read to our children while I tried to be productive.

I tried to talk on the phone. It was a mildly unsatisfying attempt that involved too many distractions and interruptions. Thankfully it was still fruitful and if we’re being fair, I did get to go to the dentist by myself this morning. One can’t ask for too much in a single day.

I gave thanks that no cooking was needed for dinner tonight. I gave thanks that we made it to dinner. I gave thanks that it was a bath night so I would get to smell fresh heads at bedtime.

I let my fuse get too short when my baby wouldn’t stop crying. I wondered why he wouldn’t settle. Found things to fret about. Wished I could sit down. An hour later all was well. The sun is down now, so the worry doesn’t seem silly yet. Maybe in the morning it will.

The house is still messy. Dinner dishes adorning the table. Four baskets of clean laundry getting wrinkly while they wait. I find myself wondering what sleep will look like tonight. Maybe it will be just enough. Maybe tomorrow will be less foggy. But even if it’s not, on we will go. We will love and wish, laugh and furrow, talk and play and rest, wonder and worry, marvel and thank. It will be another day. Probably a lot like today.