No, I’m not sad… In fact, over the last several weeks, I have become overwhelmed with thanksgiving for a great number of things. My heart has become so full in realizing how much I have been given, and in being reminded of my Great Savior’s love.
That title ‘SAD’ stems from my suspicions that I am a victim of the lack of light in beloved Scotland. It stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder. Now, I in no way claim to have any serious version of this disorder, but I think I have a pinch of it. Actually, I can’t imagine anyone not being affected by the seasons in some way, but apparently, not everyone is. I wouldn’t think they could call it a disorder if everyone experienced it. But, I don’t feel particularly disordered, just seems normal to me.
Anyway, I noticed that we have had a long series of very sunny days without many gray days in between.. Coupled with the feeling that when I take a deep breath, somehow the air is cleaner.. Not to mention that I feel much more content these days and generally more able to handle what life may throw at me.. To be perfectly honest, everything just seems good.
I started thinking about this and came to the conclusion that it’s the same thing I’ve experienced my whole life. Sun = Happy. Now I cannot deny that a lot of hard things happened to us over the winter months (and I AM actually aware that we are still in the winter months, but it’s sunny!) which probably didn’t help my attitude towards life in general, and I also cannot deny that the Lord is doing amazing things in my heart right now – reminding me of all the things that I had forgotten I cared about for so long. But, I still think it’s the same ol’ same ol’ winter doldrums, and it just has uncanny timing this year with the rest of the things going on in our lives.
Now, about all those things I just remembered that I cared about. If you’re thinking it might be you, well then I apologize for my lack of communication and reminders that I love you, but it’s not you specifically(seriously though, you should probably tell me if I’m neglecting you because it is totally unintentional). It is, however, people. I have always been somewhat of a softie and a crazy optimist and that always carries over into my relationships. It took me a while to feel grounded enough here to really start thinking about how much I love people! I mean, I’ve been very involved with people since we got here, but I haven’t had the surges of care in my heart for them like I used to. And, it’s funny but I get these surges of love not only for the people right in front of me (and across the ocean :) ) that I love, but also for people I haven’t met… All the kids we’re going to sponsor, the homeless people I’m going to feed, our children that I’m going to embarrass by crying all the time and forcing them to hug me.. People like that. I often don’t know what to do with myself or how to express that, so I just feel it and pray that the Lord would open doors for me to use it. Right now we’re just going to take it one step at a time.. Sponsor one kid, help feed the other poor graduate students, and just embarrass my husband by tearing up all the time and trying to get him to do silly things with me in public (like swinging our arms while we hold hands – I love that one!)
It feels like a veil has been lifted and I have been refreshed. And I’m thankful. I only pray that my perspective will maintain and improve from here, that maybe, just maybe this once, I’ll hold steady. Knowing me, probably not :) That’s why I’m so thankful for a God of grace.