I felt the need to write a little bit about our last few days. You see, Ian and I are waiting to hear back from all the schools he has applied to. Basically, all these schools hold our future in their hands, and sometimes it’s hard for me to deny the fact that I think they might be holding it a little carelessly. But, I am slightly biased, since it is my future :) We really have no idea where we are going to be next year. That has made this year especially difficult, not being certain of how involved we want to get in this community knowing that we very well could be leaving this summer. We have ended up very involved in the community and we are so thankful for it, but it hasn’t been without heartache and struggle.
I’m hoping that we will see a turning point over the next week as we are anticipating hearing back on several key things in the next few days. It is difficult though, to be in a position of unknown, as I’m sure every person reading this can relate to. We’ve gone over our options a million and one times, we’ve looked at our finances, we’ve thought about everything we can possibly foresee happening. But we’re still waiting. We still can’t settle our hearts or our minds.
I was looking over some of my very first posts on this here blog and I realized a few things. Number one, we haven’t taken ANY pictures of our little green monopoly house like we were supposed to, but I do carry it with me everywhere in my wallet. Number two, I cannot in any way deny how clear it was to us that the Lord wanted us here. It is amazing to see pre-Scotland Corrie’s thoughts, her excitement and anticipation, and look at her from this side of the experience to see all the unexpected things that happened, good things, hard things, wonderful growth, and try to harness in that excitement once again. That trust in my Heavenly Father, knowing that no matter what happens He is good and there’s nothing that is going to change that. To rediscover that excitement in the unknown. We don’t know what our future holds and that is ok.
Friday was a hard day and I told Ian I kept feeling really annoyed with the Lord.. That it seems like He’s making this process so much more difficult than it needs to be. I told him that I thought that if I confided that feeling to other people, a lot of them would probably tell me it is normal to feel frustration when you’re waiting for things or they’re not going as planned. I told him, I think it’s normal too, but I don’t think I can honestly say that I think that is the right way for me to feel. It’s fine if I’m frustrated or I don’t understand what the Lord is doing, but for me to direct that at Him and point my finger and say He doesn’t know what’s best for me is not fine. It’s not true. The Lord does know exactly what I need. He knows that I need to wait, to be patient, to work on steadying my heart in times of uncertainty.
I know that my struggles here are trivial compared to what a lot of people deal with in life. I’m not seeking to minimize any of those by my wonderings and musings, but it’s good to get it out on a page now and then. To sort through things.
Psalm 103 verse 5 says that the Lord satisfies the desires of his children with good things so that their youth is renewed like the eagle’s. The Lord is seeking to renew our strength by satisfying our desire for Ian to pursue what we believe he has been called to. He is not seeking to weigh us down or hinder us in any way. He is gracious and good. Compassionate.
So, we will hopefully be making some kind of announcement in the next few weeks regarding the next few years. Until then, here’s to a steady heart and a sure mind, and rest in our Heavenly Father.