Knackered

This is how I would describe myself right now. Every part of my being is completely and utterly knackered. I actually can’t even remember the last time I felt this worn out. And it all started about a month and a half ago…

But that post will come later when I have more time to write. Today was just kind of a stinky day. I have been seriously sleep deprived for far too many nights, and I think it did me in. I have a problem with taking things personally (and am finding that being overly tired intensifies this part of my personality). Being an artist and a designer that’s generally not a welcomed trait, as people just out and out say what they think of your crappy painting that you just poured your heart into, or your design that looks like it just fell out of a magazine from the 80’s that you spent the last 3 hours perfecting.

I think I’m learning that the worst thing to do is assume. The truth is, it is very likely (I might even say it is always the case) that whatever you’re assuming is based on very much less than all of the information you need to make an educated assumption. I think it is related to judging. I read a post recently about a friend who said this: “I was embarrassed at myself for my own version of weird passive/aggressive behavior, remembering that SO often the things that are the most vexing to me are traits that I myself carry.” And I immediately found some semblance of explanation to my recent frustrations. I assume. And I hate when people assume back at me.

But, I am finding there’s really no way around it. Because you can never know the depths of a person fully. You can’t really understand why they made that decision, or why she said that, or why he would have done that because you have no idea all of the things that happened within that person that took them up to that very point in their lives. I feel like my assuming nature has been bursting forth with floods of assumptions about what people are assuming about me – how ridiculous is that?? It is completely. And yet, sometimes it is so overwhelming it completely knocks out my ability to live joyfully because I am so disheartened by what I assume everyone is assuming. I hole up into my little pity party and don’t even care to try to climb out.

That doesn’t even begin to describe everything that has happened (so don’t even think about assuming that it does!! ☺) to make me ponder this aspect of myself, but it gives me enough to say how grateful I am that I am fully known. I am working on being satisfied in that. Regardless of the number of times I am misunderstood in a day (whether it be real or fabricated) my Savior knows exactly why I do what I do, say what I say, think what I think. He knows the sinful reasons and the reasons that, by His grace, are not sinful.

So I’m working on climbing out of my pity party, trusting that the Lord has me right where He wants me, and working toward a consistency like Joseph’s. If I am living with my whole heart aimed at Jesus it doesn’t really matter what people are assuming, does it.