Sometimes I have a hard time dealing with having to wait for things. In my eyes, it seems like it would be perfect if everything would just work out the way I planned it. I mean, perfect. It doesn’t make any sense at all for it not to work out that way because it seems so good.
The last year and a half have been that way in a lot of areas of life. We just knew with our whole hearts that something was going to happen. And then those somethings never did happen.. Or they certainly didn’t happen the way we expected.
I wish that I could just cultivate a trusting heart. A heart that is patient. I wish I could have it right now! :) I want so much to wait patiently and see that the Lord is good, as I have so many times. It is always better according to His plan, because His eyes see everything. They see me from start to finish and know just exactly what needs to happen.
I am realizing how gentle the Lord has been with me, and how He continues to be so, but in different ways. Up until this last year, I don’t recall ever being so confused about what the Lord was doing with me. I had such confidence in His plans because they fit right with where my heart was. Well now my heart has been to Timbuktu and back and is still searching to find harmony with the Lord’s plan. It’s hard to find harmony when you don’t really know the melody, you know?
So I’m trying to take myself back to the basics. What do I know with certainty about the God that has captivated me? These are the things I want to cling to 24 hours of my day. Maybe I can’t make each event of my life fit into what I am expecting of Him, but there are unquestionable foundations to my faith that do not change, regardless of my daily circumstances. Like the unconditional love I mentioned yesterday. That doesn’t change and never has changed. If I am loved so completely, then I am safe and can find peace knowing that only the best will be done.
I think mostly, this is what growing up is like. My whole life I have had a solid network of love and support that I could see and touch, right there with me. That network isn’t gone, but it’s not so easy to come by. I am learning that it was much easier to trust the Lord when I had a whole herd of other people encouraging and helping me to do it. When I had a clear view of what my purpose each day was. My foundation was Him, but it included that herd of people as well. Last summer I began to feel like that foundation was slowly being knocked away and I was becoming so uncertain of myself. An uncertainty that was only encouraged as there are so many things we have been unsure of during our first year here.
I spend a lot of time mulling things over in my head these days and have found that there is always a battle going on in there. The side of me that is secure and trusting the Lord, and the side of me that is frustrated and impatient and wishes it was more like the other side. For whatever reason, I have found that often the battleground is the thickest on Sunday afternoons. So. I thought I’d write about it.